Not Like This
by Siriusly in Lurve
Summary: He told her they would be alright. He lied to her and himself over and over, because in a place so bereft of hope, lying is all you have.
1. Terrified

A red-haired woman sat on a sofa in front of the fireplace in her home, her eyes looking but not seeing. A fire roared in front of her, intending to keep her warm, but she could only feel cold at this moment. The tension that this woman bore was visible. Her back was hunched, and her shoulders were sagged with the weight of what was plaguing her. She let out another heavy, watery sigh.

A young man stumbled down the stairs. He was tired and barely awake, but his eyes squinted behind his lopsided glasses as he peered at the room. "Lily?" he murmured groggily, "What are you still doing awake?"

Lily swallowed heavily. She wondered if now was the right time to tell him, inform of the news that would forever change his life, or if it would be best to allow him to sleep and keep a few hours of precious peace of mind before his world was turned over. "Go back to bed, James," she said, not turning around.

James did not heed her words and instead moved to sit beside her. "Have you been crying?" he asked, running a hand over his wife's face, feeling that it was indeed damp.

She turned her face away from him, staring down at her hands. She didn't speak or make any indication that she'd heard what he'd said. He moved his hands back to her face, this time to make her look at him. He stared into her normally bright green eyes, that seemed to have dulled in grief. A panic took over James. What did she know that she wasn't telling him? "Lily, what's happened? Is it your parents?" he questioned, his voice going hard.

"It- it's not my parents," she said in a croaky voice. "It's us,"

His brow drew together as he tried to decipher her meaning. "It's _us_?" he repeated. "I don't understand. Darling, please start making some sense."

"I went to see a Healer today."

James went still. His mind reeled, jumping to a million different conclusions. What if there was a problem with one of her injuries from battle? What if she was suffering from some war-induced stress condition? What if she was seriously ill? A bitter part of James remarked that in all his worrying that he'd lose her from something related to the war, he'd never considered losing her from something so normal as a disease. His heart pounded loudly in his chest. "Are you alright?" he asked, grasping her hands.

"No." She shook her head. "I'd been feeling queasy, and I've thrown up twice in the past few days, so I thought I'd get it checked out. James... I'm- I'm pregnant."

"You're... pregnant," he said, unable to process the words. "We were careful," he managed to say when his mind slowly began to work again.

Lily's shoulder's rose and fell in a shrug. "Things happen," she replied, looking away from him. She blinked repeatedly, trying to keep more tears from falling.

James let his head fall into his hands. He swore softly, wishing he could say something to help her, but nothing could help them now. They would have a baby. They would be parents to a child born into this mess. The war was at its worst, people were dying everyday, they attended funerals more than they went out to dinner, and now they had a child to protect. Their baby was doomed. James heard a strangled noise, and it took him a moment to figure out that it came from his own throat.

This noise from James was all it took to set Lily off. She dissolved into tears, and James lifted his head so he could hold onto her. He put his arms around her and cradled her to his chest. He hadn't an idea what to do, and so he lied. He told her they would be alright, their child would be fine and the war would be over soon. He lied to her and himself over and over, because in a place so bereft of hope, lying is all you have.

"In another life, these would be tears of joy," Lily observed as she calmed down slightly.

James tried to laugh, but it came out brokenly. "It'd still be a bloody shock. I'm nineteen and I'm about to be a father. I'm still a kid myself,"

"We're both still kids." she said, looking as frightened as he felt. "We're barely out of school and now we've got this whole other _person_ to think about, to care for. I don't think I know how to be a mother, James. Isn't it something I'm naturally supposed to know?" Lily questioned anxiously.

James wished he had answers for her. He didn't; no one did. "I don't know, darling. I'm not sure about anything anymore," he admitted, turning his gaze to the fire. He stared into the flames, imagining shapes forming from the sparks that rose. A woman with a round belly, a baby, a Dark Mark. He tore his eyes away.

"Are you scared?" she asked him as he looked back at her.

"Terrified," he confessed reluctantly. He thought ironically of the fact he was able to duel dark wizards, run around with a werewolf during the full moon and marry a Muggle-born during a blood war without a second thought, yet the thought of a _child_ had him nearly undone.

"Me too," agreed Lily with a long and hard sigh. She took his hand, and he was grateful for the comforting gesture. "I think deep down, though, we're happy. I just... I wish the timing was better. I wish this had happened after the war. Where we had normal jobs, a steady life and didn't have to wonder how long our baby would live." James tensed slightly as she said the words that neither of them wanted to admit. "I wanted us to have a family... but not like this."

He leaned against his wife and placed a hand on her stomach, thinking it strange that in a few months it would expand for their child. "Not like this," he repeated sadly.

_A/N: Drabble on the Potters finding out about Lily being pregnant. Don't think it'd be a very happy event, as they were in the middle of a war. Idea nagged at me. Thoughts?_


	2. Priorities

He stood in the shadows, looking through the doorway at the familiar room. He didn't know the time; midnight had long passed. His eyes fell upon the sleeping figure, and he frowned. The window washed light upon the oblivious woman's face, and he could see that her face was crumpled in distress. He wondered what nightmares were plaguing her, and if they were anything like the nightmares that he had seen that day. "Lily," he whispered, the name sounding like a sigh.

The sleep could not have been deep, for at this call her eyes flew open, and she squinted, trying to make out the figure. She turned so she was no longer facing him, clearly having recognized him.

He knew this wouldn't be easy. "Love," he said, drawing nearer to her bedside. "I'm sorry."

Not bothering to turn back around, Lily replied, "You're always sorry, James. It's rare for me to remember a day that you _haven't_ been sorry."

James moved nearer still, kicking off his shoes and sliding into the bed next to her, still in his robes. He placed a hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly, trying to coax her into looking at him. "Lily please, look at me for a minute, would you? Let me explain." he murmured softly.

Lily rolled over to face him, anger dominant on her face. "Fine, James. I'd love to hear your explanation as to why you missed _another_ doctor's appointment for the baby. You know, the staff are starting to think I'm just some '_kid in trouble_' who's made up a husband so she can feel better about being alone. Do you know how embarrassing it is to keep insisting, 'he'll be here in a minute, I'm sure of it,' only to have the doctor tell me he's been waiting for an hour and I need to have my appointment now or reschedule?"

He bowed his head at her words. "I know, I should have been there. But the Order called me out on the field to fight last minute. What was I supposed to do, Lily? Just leave our friends there to die?" James tried to take her hand, but she was having none of it.

"You know I'd never ask you do to that. I'm just asking you to pretend for a _day_ that this family is your priority."

James flinched as if he'd been slapped. "Lily, that's not true and you know it. I fight _for_ this family. I fight so that our child has a possibility of growing up without having a constant threat of death hanging over their head." He spoke the words fiercely, images of the bodies he'd seen today flooding his mind. So many of them were just children. Children who'd been at the wrong place at the wrong time, and now would never live to see the end of this war.

"Well, I'm tired of doing this alone, James! When was the last time we had a meal together? A month ago? More? I never see you, and I don't want raise our child on my own," Lily said, her voice breaking in places. She looked close to tears.

James felt something inside him twist, seeing his wife like this. He reached out to her, pulling her as close to him as he could. "I don't want you to raise our child alone either, darling. I want to be there for every moment of this. It kills me to miss these things. But you know I have to do my job."

"It's not fair," she told him, shaking her head against his chest. "You get to go out there and fight, get to do something about this bloody war, while I have to stay at home and wonder if my child will be growing up without a father. You go on missions for weeks, James. I never know if the next casualty I'll hear of will be yours."

He tightened his arms around her, sighing. "What is it that you want, love? Do you want me to stop going on missions?" His tone was neutral. If this was truly what she wanted, he would do it for her, even if it was not what his preference. He would make this sacrifice for her, as she had made so many for him.

She quickly shook her head. "Of course not. You'd never be happy doing that. It's frustrating to have to watch from the sidelines, I should know. I'd just like it if you could come home for dinner from time to time, or at least tell me if you're going to miss an appointment,"

Her voice, lonely and thick, made James want to bring her gaze to meet his. She resisted however, remaining pressed against him. He frowned when he realized that she was hiding her face to keep him from seeing her expression. "I'm sorry," he repeated, giving up on trying to get her to look into his eyes. "I'll be better. I'll make it to the next appointment, I swear it. Would you like to have dinner tomorrow, just the two of us? Or three, if we're being technical," he added with a ghost of a smile.

Lily did not respond immediately. Several minutes passed. He wondered if she'd fallen asleep. "We'll see," she replied after great thought.

His brow drew together at this. A thought fell upon him. "You don't believe me, do you? You think I'm going to cancel again." James observed sadly.

She shifted, rolling back over to her side of the bed. She then sat up, looking at the moonlight streaming in through the window. "I just.. I don't want to get my hopes up. I've heard these promises before, James, and they never work out the way we want them to."

James sat up as well, and then grabbed her face in his hands. He stared into her green eyes intently. He moved forward so that their faces brushed as he spoke into her ear. "I love you," he reminded her quietly. "I'd rather never go on another mission again than see you unhappy. So _please_, darling, believe me when I say that you _are_ my priority. Both of you are."

Lily's doubt of his sincerity seemed to lessen as he whispered to her. She adjusted herself so that she could put her arms around his neck. "Dinner then," she agreed, with a faint smile. "But you're cooking."

James chuckled, leaning forward to press his lips against hers briefly. "I hope you've got a strong stomach, then. I grew up in a home full of house elves. I'm positively awful at cooking."

They shared a laugh and the two soon fell asleep, wrapped up together in their small bedroom, all thoughts of war put aside for that moment. For that small moment, their greatest battle would be attempting to swallow James's cooking the next evening. For a minuscule moment, in her husband's arms, Lily Potter was safe.

_A/N: Didn't mean to make this a multi-chapter... but there you have it. I suppose this will be a series of drabbles on the Potters. No actual plot to speak of. _


	3. Safe

The couple walked down the dark streets in heavy cloaks, snow falling upon their heads. The man reached his hand out to the woman, who grasped it tightly. They moved never quite in silence, for there was always a rustle of their cloaks, a white foggy breath let out, snow crunching under their feet. Some time had passed since they'd last spoken. It was the woman who broke the silence, finally saying, "I'm not quite sure why I'm going to this meeting,"

The man frowned. "Lily, you know you're just as much a member of the Order as anyone." he said, in a tone of someone who'd spoken these words many times before.

Lily made a derisive noise, shaking snow out of her long hair as she walked. "What do I do, James? I file information, I nurse wounds. Jobs easy enough that anyone could do them. I'm no longer an asset to this organization."

James shook his head quickly. "Please don't think that, darling. You will always be an asset to the Order, no matter if you're filing and healing or going on missions. I know it drives you mad to be at home, but don't for a second think that we don't need you," He had stopped walking, and was facing her directly, saying the words with conviction.

"Why _can't_ I go on missions?" she demanded suddenly, irritation growing. "It's not as if the Death Eaters know I'm with-child and I'm just as fast and as skilled as any of you." As if proving her point, Lily drew her wand at an incredible speed as she spoke, brandishing the weapon as it gave off sparks.

James pushed her hand down, forcing her to lower her wand. He gave a darting glance about the area before speaking; they were all alone, it seemed. Still he spoke softly. "I know you are, Lily. It's _just not safe_. It'd be different if it was only your life at risk, but I am not willing to allow the possibility of losing both my wife and my child. You have to put his or her life before your own wants." He gave her a weary and impatient look before beginning to walk.

Stowing her wand, she matched his pace and then whirled around so she stood in front of him. "This isn't about my 'wants', James. Do I want to fight? Yes. But the larger matter is that we _need_ every bloody person out there we can get, and you know it. If the Order does need me, it needs me fighting." Determined green eyes stared into hard hazel, neither with their usual warmth. Snow still dropped down from the sky and the wind covered their words from unwanted ears.

He narrowed his eyes at his wife, growing angrier by the minute. "Don't try and justify this, Lily, because you can't. You are protecting a _baby_. _Our_ baby. Forgive me for saying this, but this child's life means more to me than the one's you could be saving. The Order can do without the loss of _two_ people. Three, probably, since I wouldn't dare let anyone touch you while I was alive,"

"I can protect myself, James. I am more than capable of handling most Death Eaters, and you know it."

James's expression turned to something akin to a sneer. "Most, Lily. I, as well as the rest of the Order, aren't willing to lose you on _most_. Say we did put you out in the field again. What if you went under the Cruciatus? What if that affected the baby? What if... something happened to them? Would you able to live with yourself, knowing that it was your stubbornness and pride that caused us to- to lose them?" His voice cracked slightly, taking some of the effect of his speech away, but he looked at her obstinately nonetheless. It was all he could do to stomp from stamping his foot like petulant child in aggravation.

Lily's face was pained. "I would be careful, James," she said, quieter than she had been. The wind was picking up. The streetlights surrounding them were barely visible, and the snow was falling at a faster pace. Were he not so close, he might not have heard her.

"Not careful enough," he replied in a whisper, his irritation fading. "We're all careful... Gideon and Fabian, they were being careful. Benjy was always careful. Dorcas was never careful, but she cared enough to try and we still lost her. I can't lose you, Lily. I won't."

A new emotion flitted across her face that James couldn't identify. "You're glad I can't fight." Lily realized aloud. She didn't exactly seem angry, but she clearly was not happy either. "You're glad I'm not able to go out on the field with the others, pregnant or not. You wished I could be at home before, and now you have a reason. You're glad," she repeated, looking disappointed.

James averted his gaze, staring out into the vast emptiness that surrounded the road. "I won't pretend I'm not relieved that you aren't on the front-lines of this right now. It's getting darker out there. We're losing people _fast_. Every day you're not out risking your life grants me a another night's rest." It pained him to let her down, but he knew he must. He downplayed his thoughts enough around her. He owed her some honest insight.

"Then when am I to get a restful night?" she asked him in a whisper. The wind was dying down, but the evidence of it remained on her face in reddened cheeks and watery eyes. Perhaps those were for other reasons too, ones James wasn't quite ready to think about. "I have to watch you leave every day, James. Every _single _day I see you leave without knowing if you'll come back. Is it so much to ask that I fight alongside you, knowing I am able to do everything in my power to keep you out of harm's way?"

"It's not the same thing, Lily." He shook his head, willing himself to be unaffected by her words. "You're-"

"Pregnant," finished Lily, not bothering to hide her frustration. "I bloody well know. I'm just asking you to think of the situation from my perspective. If you were forced to stay on the sidelines, I know you would fight tooth and nail to get back to my side. You know it too."

He shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wished he was stronger, strong enough to deal with this, but he wasn't. He was hit with the thought once more that he was truly just a child doing a man's job. "I wish I could do something for you, darling, but there is absolutely no possible way for me to keep you both happy _and_ safe,"

"So keep me happy, love. I'll keep myself safe." she pleaded, biting her dry lips.

He opened his eyes and leaned forward so that his head rested upon hers. "Then who's going to keep our baby safe?"

She wrapped her arms around him as she was wont to do, and sighed into his neck. Her breath and his heartbeat were all he could hear. "They won't be," she admitted, her voice muffled by his clothing. "Whether I'm dueling at the front or not."

_A/N: Disclaim. In the interest of shameless self-promotion, I'm rebooting DITR and TFTT (now known as Mischief Unmanageable). Check them out, if you'd like. _


End file.
